Toronto elites poised to apologize to the rest of Canada

(DawgNews, Ottawa, September 20.) Toronto's fabled elites are planning to offer an historic apology this October to ordinary people living outside the city.

"We had no idea we'd been causing such hard feelings," said longtime Rosedale resident DuShawn Latrelle, who describes himself as a "funky lawyer."

"We're just plain folks when you strip away our salaries and monster homes," he said. "And to prove it, we're voting Rob Ford."

"The benighted have a right to their voice," said chef Dinesh Razpur, whose micro-cuisine draws scores of hungry elitists every evening to his upscale resto-bar, Clouds. He quoted former US Senator Roman Hruska on Nixon's doomed nomination of G. Harrold Carswell to the Supreme Court:

"Even if he were mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren't they, and a little chance? We can't have all Brandeises, Frankfurters and Cardozos."

"Those words," said Razpur, "should be branded on every elitist's soul, as they now are on mine. I'm so ashamed...."

"This is a democracy, after all," says Miriam Latte of the trendy Beaches area. "We liberals do have to put up with other people. It's time we showed a little tolerance." Affirming her strong support for Ford, she said, "We need to be pro-active on this, and get ahead of the curve."

Reacting to the suggestion that her support for the colourful mayoralty candidate is simply a case of inverse snobbery, Latte was indignant. "We've been untrue to our ideals, and that's all there is to it," she snapped.

There is no indication, however, that the long-scorned non-elites are in any mood to accept the apology at this point. "Too little, too late," said popular right-wing commentator Kate McShaidle. "Those people have a lot to answer for, and for once I'm not referring to Muslims."

"I'll believe in this so-called conversion when Progressive Bloggers endorses Rob Ford," said Thérèse Defarge, an outspoken Western conservative, referring to a little-known left-wing blogroll. "Until then, as far as I'm concerned, they're a bunch of aristocrats in disguise."

The reaction of the PMO was, however, somewhat more diplomatic in tone. "This is an excellent first step towards redemption," said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. "My religion demands that we forgive our enemies." He went on to remind the chastened elites that there may well be a federal election sometime in the next year: "That will be a further test of their sincerity," he said. "But I must say I'm rather optimistic at this point."

Opposition leaders Michael Ignatieff and Jack Layton, both from Toronto, promised today to support the Ford cause.

"This thing is like a tidal wave," said Layton. "We really have no choice but to go with the flow." Ignatieff, attending the installation of a statue in Phillips Square, went further. "If I were Prime Minister," he said, "I'd appoint this man to the Senate forthwith."