New Liberal leader vows to "kick ass"

The Knight of the Long Knives strikes again. DawgNews has learned that former backroomer Warren Kinsella has taken over the helm of the rudderless Liberal Party of Canada.

Outside parliament Wednesday, ministers and ruling party leaders ran away from the media, saying that the matter [Rahim Jaffer's wrist-slap] was decided by the court. Opposition Liberal Party leader Warren Kinsella said acquittal of the former MP shows that there are two set of laws in Canada - one for the common man and another for influential people.

Asked to clarify his comments about Jaffer, Kinsella apologized for being less than inclusive. "Obviously there are common women too," he said, over a plate of seal fried rice at an undisclosed location in Ottawa's Chinatown.

Reports now indicate that Michael Ignatieff was forcibly removed earlier this week from his official residence in Stornoway and put on a plane to Boston. Parliamentary Press Gallery President Hélène Buzzetti expressed surprise: "No one even noticed he was gone," she said.

The new leader has lost little time in throwing down the gauntlet. "We don't need no education," Kinsella said at a hastily-arranged press conference. "We're gonna kick ass. Watch out, Harper, 'cause we're coming for you."

Vowing to replace Jennifer Lynch of the Canadian Human Rights Commission with activist lawyer Richard Warman as his first order of business when he becomes Prime Minister, Kinsella said, "It'll be worth it just to watch Ezra Levant's head explode."

Kinsella expects to win the next federal election handily, and hinted that it's coming soon. "On Canada Day you'll see me and my crew on-stage on Parliament Hill," he said. Asked for comment, an ashen-faced Harper simply repeated the name of Kinsella's band.

Liberal activists are responding to the news with cautious optimism and pessimism. "Whatever," said lawyer Jason Cherniak. Blogger Scott Tribe predicts that the Liberals "will now move forward on several fronts, and backwards on a few."

[H/t the Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition]