Sunday, June 10, 2007

In praise of a flying rodent

It's high time to introduce to progressive Canadian bloggers a mad Scotsman with a gift of gab that would put the average Burns-daft, soccer-mad drunken son of Caledonia to shame. (No multiple tautologies: just say "the average Scot"--Ed.) This fellow has been on my blogroll since I discovered him. Time for you folks to discover him too. Say hello to the Flying Rodent.

On Brits and air travel:

Behind the polite veneer of civility projected by most Brits lurks a roiling vortex of pure, white-hot rage and hatred. A quick click about the internet is enough to confirm that - just give the average Briton a forum in which to express his opinions with impunity and within five seconds they're demanding heads on sticks.

In the pressurized confines of a commercial airline, a shortage of Chardonnay could lead to the airport cops opening the doors to find the biggest and strongest of the passengers gnawing on a femur.

The same piece has some charming representations of the people I used to go drinking with, back in the day:

Check this out - when the pilot lands the plane, the Glaswegian passengers are so impressed by this miraculous feat of technological wizardry that they applaud.

Not to rant about nothing, but would they applaud a bus driver for successfully pulling up at a bus stop? "Guid work big man, yir brakin' skills were pure magic!"

On atheism and atheists:

Even though I may be imagining my debating companion as a cat-worshipping ancient Egyptian peasant, grovelling for a fruitful harvest before a malformed clay figurine of a woman with a lion's head, I always remember to be patient, polite and pleasant.

So I appeal to your better natures - please remember that tedious God-botherers are human beings, and deserving of our respect and civility.

His hed for a post about the right-wing journalist Melanie Phillips: "The Islamofascists Want To Destroy Everything I Hate About this Country."

On Bush's recent criticism of Vladimir Putin et al.:

President George W. Bush has criticised Russia, China and various other states for democratic failings, human rights abuses and military aggression at a press conference today, causing the deaths of at least 37 journalists.

Shouting to be heard over the cacophanous din of screams and popping heads, President Bush...lambasted China for overspending on military procurement and chided Russia for using its resources and economic power to intimidate its rivals.

"Justin was just making these strangled 'Buh-buh-buh' noises," said one journalist of his colleague Justin Webb. "I think he was trying to make a point about the $700 billion dollar defence budget Bush will soon approve, and then he turned bright crimson and his skull exploded like a stamped apple."

The conference room then filled with a noise like an enormous roll of bubble-wrap being trampled by a herd of white rhinos as an Administration official alluded to the lack of press freedom in Russia, including the murder of journalists.

"Anyone would think that they'd forgotten that the US armed forces have killed at least sixteen journos in the past five years," noted one hack while nursing a nosebleed. "One guy fell to the ground next to me screaming 'The gall, the sheer gall of these bastards!'."

"Then blue flames started belching out of his eyes and ears. It was horrible."

The Presidential entourage remained unaffected by the ferocious waves of cognitive dissonance emanating from the President, wincing at a particularly violent cranial detonation as Bush criticised Russia's "over-reaction" to his decision to deploy a missile defence system to Eastern Europe.

"Russia has nothing to fear from this purely defensive system," the President announced. "Our new offensive missiles, however, should fucking terrify them beyond continence, especially now that we've essentially surrounded Russia with US military installations."

On certain right-wing bloggers:

Taunting those who take themselves so seriously is rather like taking candy from a baby, albeit a very large, angry baby that takes a very dim view of immigration and is sexually aroused by machine guns.

The guy never misses a beat, with a gift for phrase that turns me as unnaturally green with envy as a can of Scottish minted peas. Don't just stand there--go drive up his traffic stats.

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