CIUDAD JUÁREZ, July 12 (Faux News Services) -- A rowdy group of T-shirt clad Mexican gangsters attacked American tourists in a Ciudad Juárez nightclub earlier today. Shouting, "¡Si, nosotros recordamos el Alamo!" the young thugs seriously injured several, killed one, and kidnapped two. The latter's whereabouts are unknown.
"This is a serious provocation," President George Bush stated grimly at a Rose Garden press conference moments ago. "I'm holding the President of Mexico--whoever that turns out to be--personally responsible." Noting current problems with illegal immigration, Bush added, "We've turned a blind eye long enough. The wall is going up, and terrorism will not stop us."
He then announced that he had ordered the immediate carpet-bombing of Mexico City. "No one is exempt," declared Bush. "We shall keep up the pressure until our kidnapped citizens are safely returned." Prime Minister Stephen Harper of Canada applauded the move, saying, "The United States has a right to defend itself." Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, asked to comment, replied, "Don't bother me. I'm kind of busy right now."
UPDATE: Based upon information that at least one of the thugs' T-Shirts bore the likeness of Che Guevara, it is now believed that the two kidnap victims have been removed to Cuba. According to one highly-placed State Department source, "An invasion is not out of the question."